Our new family sport…
The things my kids and I talk about are so exciting I can barely leave the house. Let me give you an example.
The other day my four youngest children were cleaning out—a polite term used to describe “snooping through”—their older sister’s drawers. She’s away at college, so this is now our family sport.
After a few minutes of ”cleaning,” the oldest, Nola, ran to me, horrified.
“MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!! This is really bad! She’s hiding so much stuff in here! Brace yourself.”
“What? what? Tell me quick! I can’t stand the suspense!”
“You are going to die. She has her very own RECTAL SUSPENDERS!” Nola said. .
“Ooh Geeze! Not rectal suspenders! Lordy be, what’s the world coming to?”
“Mom, rectal suspenders are something for the weenular area,” Nola explains.
“The weenular area? What area is that?”
“The area where the weenis is!”
“Well, of course it is. Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
“Haven’t you ever heard of a weenis, Mom?”
“I have heard of words that kind of rhyme with weenis, but, no, this is the first time I have ever heard the word weenis. I like the word, though. Don’t get me wrong. I love that word.” Maybe I was giving them too much information.
“So you say she has something for the weenular area? The area where the weenis would be? How can you be so sure?”
“It says right on it. Rectal suspender!” She was so shocked and horrified that I had to stop what I was doing, which was nothing, and get out of bed.
“The nerve of that girl! That sister of yours is up to no good again. Imagine, she’s hiding weenular items from us,” I exclaim, acting grown-up. “The weirdest part is she doesn’t even have a weenis. By the way, is a weenis what I think it is?”
Then things get confusing because the youngest walks in and says, “Everybody has a weenis. The weenis is the flap of loose wrinkly skin that …”
“O.K., O.K. Enough about the weenis,” I command.
“No, really mom. A real weenis is the flap of loose, wrinkly skin on your elbow when you put your arm straight.”
“But there’s another weenis and the suspenders are probably for that kind of weenies, Nola says. “You know, the weenis in the crotch-al region?”
“Thank you for clarifying, I say. “The crotch-al region?” I love this kid because she has a very creative use of the English language. Always careful not to offend. Always looking for the “Stuffy-Mom-Approved” way to say things. Thank you, Nola.
“Crotch-al region weenis rectal suspenders. You sure she has these upstairs in her room?”
”Sure. One hundred and three percent sure.”
“But Grace doesn’t have a weenies,” I say. Wait a minute, now. Do these kids know something I don’t? “She doesn’t have a weenis, does she? DOES SHE?”
“How are we supposed to know? That’s your job.
Nola suggests I go upstairs and see for myself the rectal suspenders. I have to admit, all kinds of images cross my mind. “Rectal suspenders. Right there in her top drawer!”
I get a teensy, eeensy bit curious so I start racing through the house, screeching around the center island and jumping four stairs at a time up the staircase, breathlessly yanking open her top drawer. The kids all follow, eyeballs popping out of their heads.
“How do you suspend a rectal?” Nola asked. “Got to be a crazy thing she does to her boo-doddum and she’ll probably get pregnant.”
“Where are they?” I ask.
“See these white bottles? That’s it. We don’t want to touch them, though.”
Sure enough, there are some white bottles in her drawer. They do say rectal on them. But the other word is not suspenders. It’s suppositories. And the reason they are there is because they are a medicine that was prescribed a long time ago and that she obviously did not use. (I don’t blame her one bit on that, I might add.) Then comes the long part where I have to explain what suppositories are to the four younger children. And then the word rectal. This takes a while.
”Ewwww. Yuuuuuuck. Grooooooosssssss!”
“O.K., fine. But explain these! RUBBER TEETH!” Nola says as she whips out a tooth-positioner from another drawer.
If you liked this stroy, you will love my book, “Don’t Take It From Me,” due out in October! Check Duffykelly.com for more funny mom stories.